My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Aight bet