wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My blood type is coffee.