[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Not today
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now