The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.