I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!