Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
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Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it