Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.