Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.