Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa