Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’m already scared
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand
But french fries, french fries understand you
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok