Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You Might Also Like
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?