San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping