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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you