[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
You Might Also Like
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”