My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.