My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.