From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!