When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Reporter: *ports again*
When you let grandma cat sit
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?