mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
for all #parents out there
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Just this preview of the story is enough
finally
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.