From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
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The point of your 20s
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Generation gap…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
(more comics:
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again