Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly