Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”