#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Meow
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.