*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.