If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Oops I deleted….
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
hear me out : pockets for your socks
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.