People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I think we should hear other voices.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“What movie?” 🤔
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*