I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”