I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
pelicons
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?