Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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(more comics:
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
This rocks
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.