[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
This bar smells like my childhood.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat