If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short Iβm covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sure the pilot says βfeel free to move about the cabin,β he doesnβt mean it.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so thereβs that.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. Itβs staying in there.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Running your mouth is not cardio.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Good morning!
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Sign at work today
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
π©π©π©
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You donβt need to worry about that
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: itβs obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.