my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence