Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is