If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet