Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I have a new favorite meme page
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.