Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
That’s classic.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*