You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Terribly Tuesday.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra