to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Cake safety first. Always.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.