*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
LOL
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me