*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell