Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*