Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Spring of Deception
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!