Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Best misinterpreted text ever!

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?