A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
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HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was