Why can’t mirrors be nicer
You Might Also Like
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !