Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Good morning, Twitter 😊
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs