i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
![]()
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.