I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…