*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just so funny
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints