3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.