How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*