Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Swedish for common sense.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.