*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
synchronized noseblowing
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”