*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I want this so bad
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it