Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?