ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.